I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
40s are totally the cure
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
