So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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