Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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