just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
