My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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