Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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