Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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