Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
