my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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