Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
