walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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