If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Randomize
