I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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