Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I faked an abortion last night.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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