Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Randomize
