it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
