I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
