Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
