I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
