im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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