I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
