Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I met the friendliest cop last night
He kissed a someone with a penis
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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