3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
