dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
