oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
