idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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