I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
