also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
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