woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
