You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
