Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
This is the high leading the old right now
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
