pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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