I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Randomize
