I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
