i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
