chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
