I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
3pm strippers are depressing
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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