he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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