the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
