just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
