How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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