just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
