You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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