Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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