I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
