Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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