I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
