I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
