just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
