How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
