im having a threesome with these popsicles
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
