there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
