yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
