Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
