Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize