dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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