My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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